“At first I was just trying to find efficiencies in my morning routine,” Marty tells me as he pauses to take a long, quenching sip from his coffee. Finishing, he folds his bottom lip over the top to form a vacuum, sucking the coffee from his moustache with a swift, punctuating slurp, “it just sort of spiralled from there, and well, here I am talking to you!”
I nod, sitting across from him, the early morning sunlight beaming through his old, iron framed kitchen windows. I came here, to his Northern Ontario home in early April, to better grasp what some are calling a ridiculous fad. For others, though, it’s been a game changer in their morning routine.
‘God this coffee is good,’ I think to myself, as Marty generously regales me with the early but exciting history of Professional Speed Showering.
Speed showering is quite simple on the surface – you time your morning shower using a stopwatch, attempting to get the shortest possible time.
“I found that I would wake up at a reasonable time, hit the shower and it would be so relaxing – too relaxing,” Marty explains how he arrived at the idea, “I would get out and almost without fail, I had taken too long. I would still be late getting out the door. The showers are just too sedating, they lull you into a false sense of comfort, and then, bam! Twenty minutes have gone by and you’re late for your parole hearing.”
“One day I really needed to get to work on-time, so I timed myself using an old CASIO F-91W,” he pulls out the digital watch from a weathered plastic baggy in his pant pocket – still displaying the correct time and date, “I was thinking that, perhaps, turning the experience into a challenge might give me the focus and determination to really pull it off.”
“Two minutes and thirty-three seconds. I’ll never forget that,” he extends his left hand forwards, palm up, revealing a tattoo of three numbers permanently inscribed across his wrist: ‘2:33’, three numbers that form a time that is very personal for Marty.
“That was my first time – my baseline,” he explains, his gaze softening, the corners of his lips widening outwards. His expression is one of nostalgia and gratitude for a long life well lived, as he reflects back to that first shower that started it all.
Not only did Marty effectively get out the door on time that fateful morning, he rode the high from that accomplishment all day, nailing his morning meeting and finally having the courage to ask out Angela – who immediately and politely declined. Marty was flying high and couldn’t wait to try and beat his time the following morning.
He began tracking his times on an Excel spreadsheet and eventually started posting his times on Strava, which caught the attention of the broader athletic community, “and it just spiralled from their. It was like this unstoppable force proliferating within the zeitgeist – my brain child was no longer my own,” Marty explains.
We both pause, and in a cosmic synchronicity, take a long deep sip of coffee… ‘God, it’s fucking good,’ I think to myself. ‘It’s bright and complex with vibrant notes of citrus and berries. It’s definitely a Kenyan bean… nice.’
If you are looking to try your own shower speed run, there are a few important rules you need to follow
While anyone is welcome to time their showers however they wish, if you want to have your times considered for international title recognition, you must comply with a set of extensive rules and regulations. These are set by the International Speed Showering Association (ISSA), the official regulatory body of the sport, recognized by most countries worldwide – Russia, Belarus and North Korea have all, of course, been banned from competition for mass doping scandals and crimes against humanity, which prompted them to create their own league: The Eastern Speed Showering Federation. Undoubtedly, no one really follows the ESSF, and it has long been rumoured that many of the Federation athletes are actually prisoners of the state, being held against their will and forced to compete as entertainment for rich oligarchs.
Geopolitical opinions aside, Marty’s work in forming ISSA has been instrumental in the sports rapid international growth. Let’s outline the basic tenants of the sport, according to the International Speed Showering Association (ISSA).
Only one minute of prep time is allowed
“Too many people were basically doing hours of prep, in an attempt to make their shower time shorter, and this misses the entire point of shorter showers. We’re trying to conserve water and save time, and if you aren’t doing that, then you’re just some asshole, dicking around in his bathroom for funsies,” Marty explains. They have since implemented the 1 minute rule for prep time. “You don’t have time to overthink it that way, and that can be a huge part of the challenge, and therefore the fun.”
You must do a full body and hair wash (with conditioner)
“Obviously you can’t just jump in, wet your body and get out,” explains Marty. “In order for it to count for official rankings, you have to perform all the usual tasks of a shower. Therein lies the heart of the challenge: executing the tasks with speed and finesse, whilst withstanding the intoxicating sedation of hot water, steam and the lingering fog of long term sleep deprivation”.
Your stopwatch must stay out of the shower at all times
“The original intent and purpose was to improve my natural time management skills in the shower, and while you might think having your watch on you could only help in achieving that end, you actually run the risk of becoming overly focused on time efficiency and not enjoying your shower at all.”
Admittedly, not everyone in the community is as much a purist as Marty, and in his opinion, not everyone who has embraced the new craze is in it for the right reasons.
“We see this a lot with new guys. They think like, ‘oh I can shave a few seconds off with some fancy technology… but it just goes against everything the sport is about. We’re not here to win or be the fastest shower-er. It’s about gaining some of your life back. It’s about achieving a balance between comfort and efficiency. It’s the lengths you’re willing to go, the sacrifices you’ll make in pursuit of that balance. All the riches and fame, the fans and adoration, that’s all just gravy for me.”
Marty, who pioneered the sport – and once held the world record time of 33 seconds – see’s his current role in the community as both an ambassador to the sport and a veteran mentor to younger athletes.
“There’s just so much I would go back and do differently, knowing what I know now, you know?” he says, staring off contemplatively.
“While my time machine is perpetually in beta, I can still pass a lot of that knowledge and experience on to younger generations, through mentorship and building connections to afford opportunities for these younger kids that I could of only dreamed of. That’s what my new scholarship and foundation is all about.”
One of those young athletes is Ashley Davies, Marty’s protégé. The pair met when Marty was delivering a talk at a local community college as part of his foundation’s outreach efforts. Ashley joins us to talk the current state and future of the sport.
“I was just finishing up a run on campus and I noticed this large, gangling man with a moustache and mullet, frantically pacing outside the smokers’ gazebo. He was handing out pamphlets and talking to anyone that would stop and listen,” she recalls. “He was clearly a bit out-there, but there was a genuine kindness in his expression, and an immediacy in his voice that made it apparent, this was his passion and purpose. He kind of reminded me of my dad, who passed away when I was very little. Marty really felt he was onto something life changing, and you could tell he just wanted to spread that to as many people as possible. It’s a rare quality, so I’ve learned over my life.”
Looking through an old scrapbook of photos and newspaper clippings, she bellows a a single, hearty chuckle, “I have to admit though, the scholarships, the prize money and free travel all around the world, it had me instantly convinced that I wanted to get involved with whatever this man was preaching. Thank fuck it wasn’t some crazy cult or religion,” she faux-retches in disgust at the mere thought of this.
In just three years in the sport, Ashley has not only beaten Marty’s long standing 33 second record, but she went on to beat her own record three times over. Her latest world record was set just last year at the 2023 shower championships in Copenhagen. With a time of 17.8 seconds, she’s the fastest showerer in the world by a long shot.
“She’s doing things that were once thought impossible. It’s truly remarkable to see, and to be a part of that, well, I just feel so grateful,” Marty says, looking directly at Ashley with watery eyes, “I’m proud of you, kid.” He softly punches her shoulder.
In the prime of both her athletic career and life, Ashley has become the new face of the sport and is primed to dominate the next decade of speed showering. It appears she’s got it all and there’s nothing she can’t achieve.
“There’s been some rumblings about the possibility of a sub-15 second time. Of course, it seems impossible, but a sub-20 was thought impossible just a year ago and she broke that by almost three seconds,” Marty explains. “If anyone were to do it, especially in the next few years, it would be Ashley, but it seems she has other ideas.”
“I just think that with all the suffering in the world, you know, the climate crisis and global conflict, it just seems kind of pointless to spend my time perfecting my shower times, you know?”
Ashley used her competition winnings from over the years to pay for herself to go back to school and study her true passion: forest ecology and nature conservation. After graduation she used the last of her money to kickstart her non-profit organization that protects land from development.
As for Marty, he’s not done mastering the art of efficient showers. Earlier this year, Marty beat his old world record with a 21.33 second shower at the Seven Sisters Fjord, in Norway. It was part of a series of outdoor “trail showering” circuits, Marty has been cooking up with support from ISSA.
“Each shower in the series highlights a natural landmark around the world,” Marty explains. Competitors must hike for several kilometres through challenging terrain and perform a regulation speed shower – usually at a waterfall. “The idea was to use the sport of Speed Showering as a vehicle for change, by bringing attention to these important ecosystems and the threats posed to them by humans.”
“It’s like, once you see that, you realize that nothing else matters. It’s all bullshit and we have to change our ways, and help others see this for themselves.”
The 2024 ISSA Trail Showering Championships are set to take place in Japan later this year. All sponsorship money is going towards Ashley’s Nature Conservancy.